Lately I've been thinking about a very important truth that has taken me quite awhile to fully realize/remember/embody & then breathe onto a page, stripping away the illusions that kept this truth in captivation, caged & clipped to be a flightless bird. I know this truth to be important, because all throughout the time I denied it, it brought me great pain & suffering. Only when I was able to fully embrace this truth did I find my freedom & peace of mind:
No one has exclusive rights to your heart.
You do not have exclusive rights to anyone else's heart.
You see, the thing is, being exclusive in a relationship does not necessarily mean you are committed to that relationship or devoted to the person you are with. In this sense, I am likening the sensation of needing to be exclusive with someone as being a form of obsession. I do not take this idea I am trying to relate to you lightly, dear reader. This is me staring my own darkness in the face & saying "Yes, I was once needy to the point of obsession. I fell in love with a light so bright, all my monsters were forced to be seen by my own awareness, & I saw that I was clingy & obsessive. I was grotesque."
It took me many, many, MANY moons to clear away layer after layer of attachment that defiled the purity of the genuine love I felt underneath this gross surface. For truly, this love was real & would become the leading example of how I would go on to recognize whenever I had fallen in love with any other, burning away all falsities that dared stand in love's way.
But before I succeeded in this endeavor, in this purification & rebirth of my true self, I first collided with the evil inside me & battled with confusion, thinking, "Oh, how could I possibly fall in love with anyone else after him? I'll never fall in love again, I belong to him & him alone. I cannot & will not have anyone else, will not be taken by any other."
What a dreadful way to exist.
Nothing will strangle your freedom faster than the idea that you can only be with one specific person, especially so when that person has not chosen you, has not expressed their desire to fight to keep you by their side. If they cannot show you here & now that they want you & will do what it takes to keep you, you turn around & leave immediately.
Whether we can read each other's minds or not doesn't matter if we cannot also tell each other, "I want you; I want you to stay." Better yet, we need to show each other.
I began closing in on the end of my obsessive behavior when I fell in love with someone new. Finally, I had shown myself that, "Yes, it is possible to love another after him. I need not be so exclusive with my love because there are others who are deserving, too." This, however, was only the beginning of the end. The climax had yet to be reached.
So, sadly, bits of my obsession bled over into my new relationship, tainting yet another pure love that deserved a better fate. There is no reasonable way I could have made myself perfect for him, just as I could not make myself perfect with the man who came before. But I did my best to love beyond the limitations I had set for myself for far too many years.
I could not break my obsession until I reached the end of this new relationship, as everything started falling apart as my own faulty infrastructures came crumbling down.
Such a painful irony to experience.
However, a powerful shift had been made. My first love was no longer the center of my universe anymore.
For awhile, I thought I had finally done it. "At last! I've beaten the monsters in my closet!"
But oh, this was not so.
Alas, it wasn't long before I realized I had yet to purify every last bit of my habit to cling, for some of it had latched onto the person I fell in love with next. The end of a relationship does not always mean the end of attachment towards the individual you were with. I had to make yet another shift.
So, I was ruthless in finding release. The moment I realized I was still being obsessive & an exit door had appeared before me, I slammed on the breaks, spun around 180°, & got the fuck out. I wasn't about to go on that damned ride again & subject someone new that I cared about to my demons when I was so close to stomping them out of existence. "No way in hell. He deserves better. He deserves complete & total freedom."
My abrupt decision shattered everything.
I had hoped for a better ending, but I don't regret the choice I made. I thought I'd find friendship on the other side of the death of my obsession, but was met with only pain, bitterness, & a harsh cold. That's fine, really. Because I still take solace in the fact that neither I nor the people I love will have to endure this particular monster anymore.
The exclusion of love is over.
So when I say being exclusive with someone is wrong, don't interpret that to mean that being committed & devoted is wrong. Exclusion, the way I see it, is based in fear & a perception that sees a lack of love in this world. In my own personal experience, I could not overcome this fear by being committed & devoted to some far off, loving relationship that would take place sometime in the future. I overcame it by getting into new relationships, by being intimate with new people.
You can pray to God all you want to bring you the perfect relationship, you can wait 5, 10, 20 years for that relationship, & it will never come to you simply because you refused to open yourself up to new people & learn something fresh about what it's like to be human.
An exclusive heart is a closed heart. A closed heart is a hurting heart.
If you love someone, don't clip their wings, & don't clip your own. Don't let them clip your wings either, & remember that if they clip their own, that's their problem, not yours. Because in the end, we were all meant to fly wherever the winds take us.
So don't take it personally. You're free to walk away. After all: Love will always find a way.